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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557547">drown out the pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasuperfan/pseuds/justasuperfan'>justasuperfan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>everything i didn’t say [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Drug Use, Gen, Good Sibling Allison Hargreeves, Mute Allison Hargreeves, Smoking, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, allison can be better and she is, also i love allison and diego relationship but it’s not seen much, and not enough allison, diego is bad at talking to people about feelings, i figured i write too many five fics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:48:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,385</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557547</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasuperfan/pseuds/justasuperfan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which drugs are an outlet for diego’s feelings</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Allison Hargreeves &amp; Diego Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>everything i didn’t say [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1841560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>drown out the pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>three more days until season 2!!! make sure to check out my prompts work where you can request prompts from umbrella academy and other fandoms! :)</p><p>TW: drug use, implied suicidal thoughts</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Allison had had her fair share of bad experiences with her powers. Her entire life was based on lies and rumors. Her career, her marriage, her relationship with Luther...all of it was one big hoax that she couldn’t undo. And yet her siblings kept acting like her power was fine, like she could use it to kill a few people and save the day. So it was almost a relief when she lost the use of her voice. Almost. It was still a daily struggle with speech therapy, trying not to cry all the time, and slow, slow healing.</p><p>People saw her on the streets and wanted to talk to her, but she’d have to show them the notepad and write some excuse about why she couldn’t talk. And she couldn’t try and explain things to Patrick yet again. But the worst thing was calling her daughter and wanting so badly to tell her how much she loved her, but having to have someone else do it for her. Usually Luther, since Claire adored him and everyone else was always busy. </p><p>Patching up her relationship with Vanya had been even harder, but she mostly had it under control. They’d gone out for dinner, had sleepovers at her apartment (which was mostly Allison’s house since she didn’t want to return home yet), and cried continuously as Vanya apologized over and over and Allison shushed her time and time again. She knew it wasn’t Vanya’s fault. Allison should’ve just listened and gotten out of the way. Plus, Vanya’s new powers and her manipulative boyfriend couldn’t have been a good combination to heal her anger. Allison didn’t blame her. But Luther sure did.</p><p>So yes, she’d had a lot of problems with her powers. And that’s why her eyes went wide as saucers when she walked into Diego’s apartment to see him lighting a cigarette. Which wouldn’t have been suspicious—everyone smokes from time to time—except he also had a bag of cocaine sitting on the bed behind him, and a few pills she’d definitely seen Klaus take before.</p><p>As far as she knew, Diego’s powers had never been a cause of pain for him. In fact, they just made him a better hero. His powers didn’t send him away or ruin his life or trap him in the apocalypse. They didn’t literally tear him apart or force him to turn to drugs or literally end the world. So why was he smoking? Unless it was because of something else...</p><p>“Diego?” She whispered. Almost instantly, her brother dropped the cigarette and stamped it out. He whipped around with a look of murder on his face, and Allison winced under its metaphorical pressure.</p><p>“Get out!” He yelled, like a kid. His arms were crossed over his knives. Allison didn’t doubt he would throw one if she didn’t leave soon.</p><p>She just shook her head and stood her ground. But then she saw something she never thought she would. Diego’s eyes became extremely watery, to the point that tears began to fall when her brother blinked. Allison covered her mouth with a hand and then went in for a hug. She knew her brothers and sister were all bad at emotions, excluding Klaus for the most part, so it came as a shock that she actually had to comfort one of them. Hugging Diego’s muscular frame was a very new thing for her. Especially with the metal hilts of the knives pressing against her.</p><p>When she pulled away, his tears were gone. But they’d left marks, just like everything in life. Whatever hurts you is gone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still living on inside of you. </p><p>“I’m sorry. I c-can’t...I’m not good at…” Diego gestured between the two of them vaguely. “I’m not good at feelings.” He finished. His voice had taken on a defensive edge. Allison knew he meant well, but his instincts included pushing everyone away until his problems were left to fester inside of him. And Allison didn’t want that for him, not again. So she placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him her best ‘please talk to me’ look.</p><p>It must’ve worked. He looked at his feet and then met her eyes. His were filled with grief and regret and <i>pain</i>. Allison knew that look. It’s the look she saw on herself in the mirror daily. With Claire, and Patrick, and her only good parental figures gone, she didn’t know when she hadn’t had that look.</p><p>“I killed Mom.”</p><p>Allison was confused for a second. Hadn’t she been killed in the collapse of the house? But then she remembered the first time, when Hazel and Cha-Cha had shot up the house. But why had Diego killed her? If she remembered right, he was the one who wanted to treat her like a real person whilst she and Luther had wanted to try and fix her malfunction by deactivating her. And had he really kept the secret this whole time?</p><p>“I had to,” He answered, as if reading her mind. “She was malfunctioning. It k-<i>killed</i> me to do it...I loved her. But I knew she could be f-fixed. But now...she’s gone. And I’ll n-never forgive myself.”</p><p>Allison placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. She was shocked, but didn’t want to make her brother uncomfortable, so she kept her expression neutral. Of course she loved Mom. But Diego had been the closest to her, and he had been the one to kill her for the greater good. It sent a shock of pain to her heart like a defibrillator. She knew it had to be hard on him.</p><p>Her hands began combing through her purse for her notepad and pen. She had been about to go to a speech therapy session, but anything Dr. Brown had to say could wait until her brother was okay again. Or maybe he had never been okay. Just like the rest of them. So she began writing in big capital letters:</p><p>YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO</p><p>A tear landed on the wooden floor when Diego shook his head. “No. I c-c-could’ve waited, or h-helped her, or s-something. I’m a m-murderer. A murderer, A-Allison.”</p><p>His stutter usually only came back when he was scared or angry. But it took a lot to make Diego cry, and Allison knew this wasn’t just about what he’d had to do to keep their mom safe. Something was buried in that cold heart of his, and she intended to dig it out. She pulled the wooden chair over to his bed and sat in front of him as his shoulders shook. He wrapped his arms around himself.</p><p>SOMETHING ELSE?</p><p>He sniffed and shook his head. She guessed they were both having trouble finding the words, and even more trouble saying them. It was hard to convey through actions alone how much she wanted to help him. And that she knew there was something else, despite what he claimed. Her brother was like a steel window. Hard and cold, but able to break if you put enough years worth of pressure on him.</p><p>SOMEONE ELSE</p><p>It took her brother a minute to gather the courage to scan over her notepad. But when he finally did, he broke. She could almost imagine glass shattering everywhere as he sobbed, burying his face in his hands. She stood and wrapped her arms around him again tentatively. She wished she could do what Mom had always done for them. She wished Mom were here.</p><p>Allison had never been good at conveying her real feelings, only ones that she had made up for her characters. She’d had years of experience hiding her true emotions and burying everything she wanted to say deep down. All of her siblings were the same way. Probably a result of their fucked up childhood. </p><p>But in that moment, her arms encircling her brother, she knew. He did love her, no matter what he claimed. He loved all of them. And so did she. So this time, she didn’t press how much sphe would say to her, and instead wrote down:</p><p>SHOULD I SLEEP OVER?</p><p>Diego nodded. Allison smiled.</p><p>Whatever was happening, she hoped she could take the sorrow away from him, one night at a time.</p>
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